


Shape of Your Soul

by BloodAndPaper



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-26
Updated: 2015-10-26
Packaged: 2018-04-28 04:36:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5078056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodAndPaper/pseuds/BloodAndPaper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The vampire smiled.  Not one of her famous smirks, or even one of her half-smiles reserved only for this girl, but a truly genuine smile.  It started slowly, and spread across her face before she could contain it. It stretched her cheeks, and crinkled the corners of her eyes.  “I’ve found you in every lifetime, Laura.”  She stared lovingly down at her partner.  “I’d know the shape of your soul in any body it inhabited.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shape of Your Soul

Reincarnation.  In Carmilla Karnstein’s youth, the word had made her laugh and cringe simultaneously.  Laugh, because the idea was entirely silly and a girl – _woman_ , she had corrected herself – should not give pause for such childish thoughts.  Cringe, because the belief was so intrinsically pagan that her family’s religious ties would not let her ponder the word without cringing – at least a bit.

But then the world had changed.  _Religion_ lost all of its grandeur in the face of immortality.  And _silly_ became a word that didn’t exist in her vocabulary.

The first time she had met the love of her life, the girl’s name had been Ell. She had beautiful blonde curls and rosy cheeks. She had been full of life and that was what had drawn the vampire to her in the first place. Carmilla was drawn to the energy that seeped from the girl’s very pores.  They talked about everything.  Religion and politics.  Philosophy and theology. Evolution and physics.  When Ell had mentioned Pherecydes and reincarnation, it had been so long since the vampire had even thought on the subject that she had had to pause to remember exactly what it was.

“Maybe we’ll be together for all eternity,” Ell had whispered. “Finding each other, again and again throughout lifetimes…” 

Carmilla had allowed herself a slight smile. The thought that she could have this beautiful creature for an eternity made a warmth crawl into her bones that she had not felt in decades.  “I think I’d like that very much,” she had whispered.  Not a week after the words were spoken, Ell was staring at her with a look so filled with fear and hatred that Carmilla would never be able to erase it from her memory.  But Ell’s words had resonated loud and clear in her mind.  She would never stop searching for this girl – in lifetimes to come…

The second time Carmilla found her love, the vampire had been awakened on the battlefield of a war so enveloped in misguided intentions that she had allowed herself to gorge on the bodies of imprudent soldiers. She had feasted on the blood of tyrants and murderers.  Stalked them in the shadows of the towns they burned to the ground, and disemboweled them as they fled from the houses of the girls they had dishonored.  It was in one of those houses that Carmilla had found her love again. 

The small whimpering noise coming from an upstairs closet had caught her ears.  She had found the girl – no more than eighteen – huddled behind the clothes. The look on her face was all Carmilla needed to realize that this girl had witnessed everything. The shades of gray that haunted her eyes was all Carmilla needed to realize that she _knew_ this girl.  She knew the smell of her blood.  The picture of Ell had danced behind her eyes.  “Come with me,” she had said.  “I’ll keep you safe.”

And she had.  For the next two years, she had kept Adele safe.  Roaming from town to town, staying just ahead of the soldiers who were destroying everything in their wake.  But the memory of Ell’s face, so filled with hatred, kept Carmilla on edge. She couldn’t feed around the girl, for fear of seeing that look again.  So she had to abandon her once a week in search of blood.  One time, she had come back to find the soldiers destroying their small town.  She knew something was wrong before she even opened the door of their temporary home – and she found it empty.  Fear and dread had boiled inside of her as she tried to catch the girl’s scent.  The air was too filled with the stench of burning corpses and blood.  She had followed the soldiers out of the small town for two days, but she never caught the scent of her love…

Six months later she had heard from a passing group of men, that most of the women and children had ended up in a concentration camp in southern Germany.  She had run the entire way, and by the time she reached the camp, she was ragged, and starved. But she had caught Adele’s scent and followed it.  All the way to a mass grave. She had murdered every soldier in the camp…

The waiting was always the worst.  Knowing that if she searched hard enough, long enough, she would find her love again, was the only thing that made it bearable. And she searched. Oh did she search. She traveled the world dozens of times, always testing the air.  Always looking.  The years in between loving.  Touching. Tasting.  It was if she died again and again.  Never had she been so resolute in anything in her life. But finding this girl…she wouldn’t rest until her love was once again in her arms.

The third time Carmilla had found her was in 1964. She had crossed the Atlantic and ended up at a pub in Boston, Massachusetts, where a group of Sailors were teasing a young girl mercilessly.  Carmilla – in all of her glory – had challenged the biggest one to a drinking match. The winner, of course, got the girl. After over a dozen shots, the burly man had crumpled on the table – face first in his own vomit.

Carmilla looked around, challenging the rest of the group before slipping her hand into the girl’s and leading her out of the bar. Her name had been Helen – in this life. Carmilla had stayed with her until the ruse of her ageless face was becoming too hard to keep. She had snuck out one night – a last kiss planted on her lover’s lips.  A whispered goodbye.  It was the hardest night of all her many lives.

She had watched Helen from afar afterward. Never getting close enough to be seen, but always close enough to keep her from harm.  She had watched her age.  Had sat at the back of the church as she married – a good man. Someone worthy of her love. And on Helen’s final night, the vampire had crept into her hospital room and held the woman’s hand in her own. Silent tears for a love that could never be.  For lifetimes they would never live.  Her quiet sobs had woken the woman from her fitful slumber, and she had looked at Carmilla with confusion. Then with recognition. And then with realization. “Carmilla,” she had whispered. “I always wondered if I would ever see your face again…”

Carmilla had kissed her hand, and whispered her undying love. Helen had smiled softly, hand stroking the vampire’s hair.  “You never left my thoughts…”

They were the last words Carmilla ever heard her speak.

She hadn’t attended her funeral, but she had gone to her grave afterward and laid a single rose on the stone.  “I’ll find you in the next life, my love…” she had whispered.

The final time Carmilla had found her love, was in Styria. She was attending college – again. She was forced into a dorm and low and behold, there she was, Laura Hollis.  She couldn’t do it again.  She couldn’t watch this girl age and die.  She couldn’t love her.  So she had been an absolute terror to the girl.  They fought over trivial things.  They screamed their hatred into the face of the other.  They existed together in the way gasoline and a lit match exist in one another’s company. 

Carmilla teased the girl without mercy, and Laura fought back with every bit of passion the vampire knew existed within the girl. Until one day, Carmilla found herself restrained.  Tied to a chair, garlic draped around her neck.  Laura accusing her of being a monster.  So this was it then. The one thing she had always sought to keep hidden from this girl.  From her love.

Laura had forced the past from the vampire’s lips, and Carmilla had told her of all of the horrible things she had done. Had told her of all of her great loves. Never divulging too much, though.

They had fought with one another.  Cried with one another.  Taken down her terrible mother together.  Fled a mob of angry Styrians.  And ended up right back where they had started.  In the end, against all of her better judgment, Carmilla had fallen in love with the girl – yet again.

Laura was spread out beneath her on the bed, fingers burning trails up and down Carmilla’s back.  Staring at her with the love only a person with so many lifetimes of heartache could manage, before letting her eyes slip closed.

“Every time I find you, it becomes harder and harder for me to let you go,” Carmilla whispered into Laura’s hair.  She felt the girl stir underneath her. 

“What do you mean?” Laura mumbled sleepily. Eyes opening slowly to peer up at Carmilla.

The vampire smiled.  Not one of her famous smirks, or even one of her half-smiles reserved only for this girl, but a truly genuine smile.  It started slowly, and spread across her face before she could contain it. It stretched her cheeks, and crinkled the corners of her eyes.  “I’ve found you in every lifetime, Laura.”  She stared lovingly down at her partner.  “I’d know the shape of your soul in any body it inhabited.”

Laura looked up at her, truly amazed – if not a little confused.  She shook her head at the vampire.  “You’re _such_ a philosophy major,” she chuckled. She’d been about to say something else, when Carmilla dipped her head down and took her words hostage.

When Carmilla freed the girl’s lips, choosing a more direct path over her jaw, and down her neck to nuzzle against a collarbone, the vampire assumed the words had been lost.  Laura’s eyes burned into her with a fiery passion so hot, it scorched the edges of her soul. 

The vampire’s hands toyed with the hem of Laura’s shirt, slipping underneath to rest against the burning flesh of the younger girl’s stomach.  Slowly, she pushed her hands up – taking the shirt with her – to slide along a ribcage, counting each rib in turn.  She felt Laura’s muscles tremble against her lips as she pressed kisses in the wake of her wandering hands.

“Carm,” Laura whispered.  And it was enough to give the vampire pause, because it wasn’t the breathless whispered name of a girl in the throes of passion, so much as the inquisitive voice Laura got right before she asked a question she knew she shouldn’t be asking.

Carmilla looked up at the younger girl through thick lashes – lips still pressed in a cool kiss to her heated skin. “What did you mean? The shape of my soul?”

“Laura,” she began.  “The blood that runs through your veins is feeding a soul that is even older than I.  I couldn’t forget your smell if I tried.”  _Kiss_.  “And when your eyes light up, and you allow me a glimpse inside,” _nip_ , “I see the same soul I’ve loved for centuries.” _Kiss_. “Though – it’s different this time,” her eyebrows furrowed a bit.  “There’s something – something that wasn’t there the last time.” _Kiss_. “A new color.  A new shade of gray.”  _Kiss_.  “Almost as if…”  She felt her face growing somber, against her will.  The thought came unbidden and unwelcomed.  Laura was on her last life…

The pain that racked her body at the thought was almost too much to bear.  Her eyes blurred with tears that would never be shed.  She pressed another kiss to Laura’s hipbone and buried her face against the girl’s stomach. _Maybe this time_ … she shook her head.  It was a selfish thought.

“Carm?”  Her name was whispered so softly that if she hadn’t had such a keen sense of hearing, she never would have stirred.  She forced a smile on her face before looking up at the girl beneath her. “It’s nothing, cutie,” she reassured her.  “I’m just being a nostalgic idiot.”

The look on Laura’s face was one of quiet disbelief. She knew Carmilla was keeping something from her, but she chose not to voice her doubt.  “What did we do?”  Laura asked quietly.  “I mean, in all of our other lives?”

Carmilla smiled, eyes blurry with the ghosts of her past. “We danced like fools in the streets of Rome.  Sipped champagne deep in the vineyards of France.  Watched the birth of new worlds together.  We made love underneath the stars as cities around us burned to the ground in the great wars of mankind.”

Laura hummed a sigh.  “Was is always me – er – I mean – my…”

“It was always you,” Carmilla interrupted, before the girl could follow down that trail of thought for too long.  She planted a kiss against Laura’s hipbone. “It was always you…” Her hands slipped around Laura’s waist. The brunette arched her back, as Carmilla slid her fingers upward, pulling her into a seated position. She arched an eyebrow in question as she tugged at Laura’s shirt.

The brunette lifted her arms and allowed the vampire to pull the shirt over her head, tossing it to the floor beside the bed. Carmilla pulled the younger girl into her lap, pressing their bodies against each other as tightly as she could. She nuzzled into Laura’s neck, planting soft kisses against the pulse.  She noted the slight flutter against her lips as Laura’s heart rate increased.

She felt the brunette’s fingers thread through her hair, pulling the vampire against her throat more securely.  “Have you – have you watched me die?” Laura whispered.

A choked sob wrenched its way from Carmilla’s chest. Her body trembled against the younger girl as memories from countless lifetimes danced behind her eyes. _The last time she saw Ell’s face, filled with horror and disgust. Adele’s emaciated body in the mass grave outside of Auschwitz – where she had followed the girl’s scent only to realize she was days too late.  The look of confusion and recognition – followed by a deep realization – on Helen’s worn and wrinkled face, as the woman drew her final breath._

Laura rubbed soothing circles on the vampire’s back. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to dredge up old memories.”

Carmilla shook her head in the crook of the girl’s neck. “No, it’s okay. I just – I can’t…” she trailed off, hoping beyond hope that this would be enough for Laura.

It was.  Laura had kissed the vampire’s forehead and stroked her hair, before pulling her into a passionate kiss, and chasing away the memories, replacing them with heated skin, warm lips, and trembling fingers.

Carmilla brushed her lips against Laura’s chest on her way down, taking the warm flesh in her mouth and gently suckling. The soft gasps and moans coming from the brunette made the vampire smile against her.  She continued down Laura’s body, stopping at all of the places she knew to be sensitive.  She pressed kisses down the girl’s thigh to the bend of her knee, sucking and licking the soft skin.  Listening to the mewling sounds coming from girl beneath her.  The vampire dragged her nails down Laura’s stomach and back up, cupping both breasts in her hands as she pressed her lips in an open-mouthed kiss against Laura’s core. 

She was rewarded with a deep, throaty moan and fingers threading into her hair, pulling her closer to the only place she wanted to be. Laura’s flesh was fire against her tongue as she pushed inside…

Tangled together basking in the glow of their passion, Carmilla allowed herself to think back on all of the times she had been here, in this very moment, with this girl. She had spent lifetimes just searching for her, and in every one, she had found her.  Would the world be so cruel as to take her away now?  She would wait centuries for Laura – never knowing the touch of another – if it meant that she would find her again.  But, she hadn’t misread the signs.  She knew what that new shade of gray meant. She knew that no matter how long she waited for Laura in the next life…she would never again be in this moment.

The agony of knowing that she would never find Laura in the next life was crushing her from the inside out.  The emptiness that had started to form upon realizing what that new shade of gray meant, was ripping itself open, forming a hole in the fabric of her existence.  The chasm was slowly filling to the brim with a sorrow so overwhelming that it was drowning her.  “What if,” she choked back a sob.  “What if I can’t find you next time?”  Her voice was ragged, filled with pain and desperation.  She didn’t care.  “I can’t live without you, but I can’t die.”  She sobbed. “What if I can’t find you?”

Laura pulled back and met the vampire’s eyes with a look so filled with love and understanding.  “Then I guess I’ll just have to find you.”  She pulled Carmilla into a kiss that melted the older girl. “Unless…”  Carmilla pulled back suddenly at the word, searching Laura’s eyes frantically.  “Unless you’re tired of waiting,” the brunette finished – voice sounding so small and resigned.

Carmilla forced every ounce of emotion she was capable of into her eyes as she gazed at Laura.  “I will _always_ wait for you, Laura. How could you even think otherwise?”

Laura shook her head frantically.  “No, that’s not what I meant,” she reassured the vampire. “I just meant – um – maybe if you were tired of – waiting for me, then um – maybe you didn’t have to – uh – wait another lifetime?”  It ended in a question.

Carmilla stared at Laura with confusion, before the realization of the girl’s words finally hit her.  “Are you – are you asking me to turn you?”

Laura’s face grew sheepish.  “I mean…maybe not this second…but…one day?” She sighed.  “You may always know it’s me when you find me,” she continued. “But I don’t ever want to forget that it’s _you.”_

Carmilla closed her eyes, taking in Laura’s words. She allowed herself to picture it. Laura with her…for eternity. Never having to witness her last breath. Never again having to feel the loss that comes with waiting.  This was the lifetime to do it, she knew.  She wouldn’t be depriving Laura’s soul of future experiences. And, even if it was a bit selfish, she would never have to feel that definitive loss.  The one that was so complete in its finality.  The one that would ultimately be her undoing. She pulled the girl in for a kiss, smiling against her lips.  “You would love me for an eternity?” she questioned.

Laura pulled back and pressed their foreheads together. She gave the vampire a small, tired smile.  “Haven’t I already?”

 

 


End file.
